Melee - a confused struggle

Every day with my dad is a constant melee. And it's only enough to make me roll my eyes and little else, which is good. But still. Constantly finding out that he's done or said something stupid, and with Nick working with him, it's been a bit more annoying lately.

Short and sweet. :D

Tenebrous - dark, gloomy, obscure
I am so unbelievably not feeling tenebrous today. I'm practically glowing! Nick and I had an AMAZING day yesterday. There were some mishaps in the morning, but they were over quickly enough. We had another all day adventure at the Renn Faire, and everything was perfect. I got a little jealous toward the end of the day because I felt like this was Nick's place to fit in, where everyone {knows your name} loves you and you fit in and everything's just perfect. I used to feel that way about Medieval Times, but that was over long before I quit. So I was just feeling a little nostalgic and sad that I don't have a "home" like he does with Renn Faire. I got over it, though, and we had a talk, and then hung out with the Rennies for a couple of hours, which was great. :D Seriously, it was amazing. One of the women I met was remarking to Nick that I was nice, and beautiful, and she was shocked at how secure I was in Nick and my relationship {because she had been really flirty when she first came in}. He simply said she has every reason to feel secure, and I tell her I love her every day. Just a big day of love, srzly. Good times. And we're going back next week!

Subvention - a furnishing of aid or relief
I feel like I'm in the need of some subvention these days, but mostly in the monetary department. I, yet again, didn't get hired by someplace I was CONVINCED would hire me, and so I am still without a job. Nick is bringing in money with working with my dad, which is great, but it's starting to get to him, and it's keeping him from getting a decent night's sleep and keeping the both of us from exercising. And also from doing things we need to do during the day, like go to the bank or go to the DMV, etc. I'm getting more and more interested in learning how to bartend or maybe get a job as a bartender {I know, right?!}. I have no idea f it would be right for me or anything, but I think having a service job, especially one that will make me be less shy and better about meeting people and making small talk, would be great for me.

Jocund - cheerful; merry; gay; blithe; glad: a witty and jocund group.
I did a mock bridal shoot yesterday, super fun, and there was a 5-year-old girl who modeled as my flower girl. She was kinda cute and fun for the most part, but her mom was a definite stage mom {ugh}. When they first got there, the little girl was quiet and withdrawn and shy, but eventually she got over it and became much more jocund, seemingly her usual mood.

Eclogue - a pastoral poem, often in dialogue form. {also known as a bucolic}
This one's going to be tough, especially since I've never read one. Ummm, but here goes. I've written a lot of different types of poetry, but I've never written an epic poem, or anything like an eclogue. Haha, that was cheating.

I started to blog about some stuff on myspace, and then decided that I kind of didn't care about what I had been saying! So, since I spent so much time on it, I thought I'd at least post it somewhere. I'm off to have some soup or something. :D

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Wow, I actually feel like blogging today?! Who'd 'a thought?

So yeah, just to rant about some stuff swirling around in my head for a bit, and then maybe do a stream of conciousness {very cathartic at the time, but kind of emotional and raw to read again; I recommend it to everyone} or a poem later.

As you may or may not know, I don't have a steady job right now. I'm actually fine with that, for the most part, but lately I've really wanted to contribute to society in some kind of way other than the freelance photography/graphic design I've managed to pick up here and there. I haven't been too picky about which jobs I apply for, so this has included quite a bit of retail, including this one job I'm waiting to call me back. {Asst. Manager at Build-a-Bear. Don't judge, I worked at a castle for almost three years. I am no longer picky about jobs.} It seems like a really great job, which surprised me; really easy, I get part-time benefits, I get some more management experience, and when we move in September, I can possibly transfer to the Towne Center/Kennesaw location {not that they know I'm moving yet, haha}. I had a phone interview with them about a week or so ago, and it went really, really well. Then they called me in for a face-to-face interview last Thursday, which also went really, really well. At the end of this TWO-AND-A-HALF-HOUR interview, the woman decided she liked me and had me fill out a Reid test {one of those "Would you steal from work?"-type of tests, y'know?} and a paper application. After the results were calculated and faxed to corporate with my information, I would be receiving a call. She said it might be that same day, or a few days from then.

This was last Thursday. And I know yesterday was a holiday, I wasn't expecting to hear back from them then, but it's already Tuesday at 2:30pm and I'm a little worried. Not a ton, but I'm tired of having really great interviews and then not being hired for some reason or another {ahem, Portrait Innovations, I'm looking at you}. I would just like a job, be able to contribute monetarily, and feel like an adult again. Because right now, I don't, really. My days have very little, if any, structure, and I'd rather it had some.

-----

I have two photoshoots lined up this week, which is cool, and two or three more that are simply on hold because the people won't get their shite together long enough to respond to me. It's stupid that I have to deal with people like this, and I hate cancelling shoots the way I have been lately, but if the make-up artists and hair stylists would just KEEP IN TOUCH, this wouldn't be an issue.

But the two shoots I have this week should be good. I have a mock bridal tomorrow with a bunch of friends, and it'll be great to see everyone and also great to get this experience. The only thing is that it's supposed to rain all day tomorrow, and I really, REALLY want to do the shoot outside. There's no way that I'm going to postpone the shoot or move it AGAIN, so we're kind of stuck doing it inside, unless we wanted to get some really cool shots in the rain {which we might after the little girl who's modeling as my flower girl leaves}, and that's not what I had in mind.

I don't really want to shoot in studio, but it'll make me really work with the space and the lighting, so if nothing else, it'll be a great exercise for me and a growing and learning experience.

The other shoot is headshots, again in studio, which is great because, again, it'll give me the chance to really play with lighting and things. I've mostly done outdoor shoots, so I need to stop being shy about the studio and just shoot in it!

Well, I think I missed a few days. In fact, I know I did, haha. I got lazy and didn't download the widget to my Mac yet, so I didn't even get to see the words of the day. To make up for it, I will replace one with a word that is {of all things} kind of close to my heart. And also the word for today.

Prolific - producing offspring, young, fruit, etc., abundantly; profusely productive or fruitful
When Nick and I first started really talking to each other, we were having a conversation in the kitchen of a mutual friend's house. I don't recall how it began, but it was most likely about college and what we had majored in, etc. I said that I had been an English major and wanted to be a writer and had some things already written. He asked me if my work {or I, don't recall exactly} was prolific, and I froze a little, then freely admitted I didn't know what the word meant. I felt really dumb, but kind of proud of myself that I had made such an admission to him, of all people, and didn't try to BS my way past the word. He kind of smiled and explained it to me, and I felt a little childish and certainly not worthy of his intellect {which I still haven't gotten over completely}. I ended up telling him no, my work isn't especially prolific, especially recently, what with the job and everything taking up all of my waking hours {or so it seemed}.


Philadelphia lawyer - a lawyer knowledgeable in the most minute aspects of the law
I don't see how I can relate this to my life right now, so I'll just make up a sentence. :D

When my sister got in trouble with the law, we were hoping to find a Philadelphia lawyer so we could find a loophole to prevent her from being thrown in jail.

Meh. Best I could do at the moment.

Again, I missed a day. Wah wah.

Plenary - full; complete; entire; absolute; unqualified

I just finished typing up a bunch of stuff for Nick's new stage combat teaching venture. I'm really excited about the prospect, and I'm making a site for him, too. I really want the booklet we create for the students to be a plenary guide to the classes/lessons so that they can have as much information as they need and as thy could ever want. I already took pictures, though we may redo them. We're planning on making a textbook or reference book of sorts for anyone who takes the class. I'm thinking of advertising in local comic shops, maybe local karate studios if they'll let me, at parks, schools, and of course by word of mouth, too. We already have three students just from the people Nick knows at Renn Faire!

Carrefour - crossroads

For a while, I was struggling with some feelings {which, I thank you, I will not divulge here}. I was obsessed with these feelings at one point, and I think it's tapered a bit. I also really feel that I'm at a carrefour with them, and I don't know which way to go. There's nothing wrong with the feelings I had/have, and I don't want to abandon them, I feel it would be dishonest and unnatural, and I've just learned to accept these feelings. So, anyway, time will tell!

PS Still no P90x. But I'm really paying attention to what I eat. :D

Because I missed yesterday. But I thought about it! So that counts for something.

Posture {verb} - to position; to develop a policy or stance for
We're planning to make our second trip to the Renn Faire this weekend, on the Sunday before Memorial Day. I think that it's the day Matt, Monet Grubber, is playing, and I really want to see him in all his Rennie glory. We have a third ticket, and I suggested that we invite Guinevere, one of Nick's exes, because I really want to meet her and they're still friends, etc. We're just worried that we may have to posture ourselves for a messy situation. Not because of her and me, but because of her and another of Nick's exes {and a sort-of friend of mine}, Kim. Kim works at Faire and we know that she may become agitated that Guinevere is there. Oh well, it's the chance we take by trying to be friends with everyone, y'know? And we're not assured of Guinevere's attendance, anyway, as we're going to invite her tonight or tomorrow and if she doesn't want to or can't go, we're going to offer her the ticket anyway so she can go at her leisure. I dunno, we'll see! Either way, I'm excited. :D

Deasil - clockwise
{I love this one, it's ridiculous. Also, its opposite is Withershins. YES.}
We've been awfully naughty in trying to keep up with the P90x. We're either too busy or Nick's passing out tired in the middle. I know that I have the time to do it while he's at work, but we both need the benefit, and I don't have the room to do it at my parent's house. Brnt. We did a little bit of legs and back the other day, and it was good stuff, I can't wait to see what the rest of the DVD has on it, because we only made it through the first 20 minutes, haha. And simply for trying to make my word of the day relevant, there are arm circles as warm-ups on some of the DVDs which I think are a little silly, but we first go counterclockwise, then deasil, then back to counterclockwise.

Word of the Day
I've had this widget on my desktop for a very long time, probably about 9 months. It's a "word of the day" widget, teaching me one new word a day, and I got it because I'd really like to increase and improve my vocabulary, which I found lacking at the time. I look at it every day, but I don't really feel like I get much out of it, because I'm fairly certain that the words go out of my mind once I finish reading them. SO, I've decided to come and type a little something about how I really fell while using the word of the day. This one will be a double, because within the definition of the first word was another word I couldn't recall the exact meaning of {or, of which I couldn't recall the exact meaning, depending on how much of a stickler you are}. Here goes #1!

Cupidity - inordinate desire for wealth
Inordinate - disorderly, unregulated, exceeding reasonable limits, excessive

Lately, I've had to deal with an inordinate amount of flaky people, when it comes to setting up photoshoots, etc. All of the models, potential models, models agents, make-up artists, hair stylists, and their mothers {sometimes literally} have been really awful at getting back to me about anything, rendering it nearly impossible to schedule and go through with a shoot.

Being out of a job for this long means I've had to delve into my savings quite heavily, which I'm uncomfortable with. Most of it has been for bills, which means it's been a very large chunk of my savings, but some of it has been pleasure - mostly things I don't need, but want a lot. I don't feel any amount of cupidity, but recently, I have felt the strain of not having money at all. I haven't felt that way in quite sometime, and it's becoming a bit stressful.

Wow, that was kinda fun! ::dork:: I think it helped seal the words in my mind a little, too.

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P90x Update

Oh goodness, what to say?

We did the first couple of days like good little Tony Horton-bots, but then we skipped a day. I'm not positive on what lead to us skipping that first day, most likely Nick passing out after getting home from work one particularly late night, but we thought we'd be fine and that we wouldn't skip any more. We managed to do the next day, which was good, but then we skipped the next night. And again. And again. Sheesh. Now we're four days off schedule, I believe, and while being on schedule isn't important, I like it and I feel like it helps us out.

The last workout we did was "Shoulders and Arms" with Ab Ripper, which was good and bad. The good was that I felt stronger during the Ab Ripper, and so lasted a little longer than normal. The bad was that I didn't have weights for the "Shoulders and Arms" but used bands instead, and that I didn't feel much from the Ab Ripper workout, and if you do it at all, you're supposed to feel it. I ALWAYS feel P90x the next night and two days after. I didn't feel ANYTHING this time. It was partially because I used bands instead of weights, and I was unaccustomed to them so I didn't use them entirely properly. I also don't think I pushed hard enough on either exercise. Bleh.

I just signed up {literally} for the "50 Million Pound Challenge" which has a 30-Day meal plan thingy, shopping list, etc. And it's free, which is cool. I don't plan on following it to the letter {please, tomorrow's breakfast includes a boiled egg; yeah, right} but it'll definitely give me some healthy snack, lunch #1, and lunch #2 ideas. It seems to go with my schedule, too, of eating at least 4 times a day.

I fully plan on having us catch back up to our schedule, because I have a hard time figuring out what to do next otherwise. Maybe once we cycle back around to "Chest and Back" {the first workout we did}, I'll simply restart the schedule. Hmmm . . . I dunno, we'll see how things go. :) Tonight is "Legs and Back" and Ab Ripper. I like Ab Ripper in spite of myself, and I feel like it's working, really. I wasn't too sure how I felt about us on the P90x program until Nick and I discussed it yesterday. He sees definite improvement in himself already and I do too, and though I hadn't noticed it until he pointed it out, he says he noticed improvements in me already, too! My stomach muscles on the sides are more defined and my hips are a little less fatty and a little more muscular. And I noticed an unquestioned improvement in my stamina and I think my energy, too {though with the erratic sleep patterns we've adopted lately, there's no way of telling that one for sure}.

Okay, so the WW didn't go as planned, but I think it'll be okay anyway. I'm eating well, which is important.

Nick and I did our first official day of the next 90 days, and it was rough. We made some poor food choices earlier in the day - specifically, we didn't eat much at all, and lunch was hot dogs and chili - and we paid for it during the workout. The first CD was an hour of chest/back, which we would have to pause to go downstairs to the pull-up/chin-up bar, but the tiny breaks were nice, haha. Eventually, I said I wouldn't make it through the last 18-20 minutes {which was a rehashing of the first part} and Nick felt he was about to puke, anyway, so we skipped to Ab Ripper. We were worried we wouldn't make it through, since we were both feeling SO poorly, but we did, taking breaks when we needed them, and I'm so proud of us.

It may have been a bad decision, but it took us forever to get around to working out, and then we had to get up at 5:00am this morning so he could go to work with my dad again. He got about 3-4 hours of sleep, which isn't nearly enough, but at least he'll be eating well today! {Unlike yesterday, erk . . . }

Anyways, today is Plyometrics, and I hear it's the most grueling one out of the system, so we'll see how it goes, especially when we're going to be beat and worn out by the end of today. I've already been losing a little bit of weight recently, though for no logical reason, so I'm happy. :)

{Weight Watchers II: Haha, I'm so funny.}

So, working on getting back on Weight Watchers. I've tried multiple times since college, when I was on it for real and doing a great job, blah, blah, blah, but I have yet to make it stick again. It was especially hard living at home, where there's temptation and little else around the house to eat. But, the love of my life has taught me a lot of things about eating and food, etc. Every day, he and I make our meals, which is great because we have so much control over what goes into our bodies. He's trying to lose weight, too, so that's extra helpful. We're working out together, too, or not working out, as we both pretty much hate it.

On this, the first getting-back-into-the-swing week {because I want this to last, so I'm taking it slowly}, I've already eaten 1022 calories, and it's only 1:00pm. Oops. That's the equivalent of about 13 or 14 points. Again, oops. I think my goal is going to be 1500 calories a day, plus working out. The WW equivalent should be around 21 or 22, though it's REALLY difficult to eat that few points, and I should know, as that's what I ended college on.

I'm really glad I decided to keep track of what I'm eating today; I didn't think about how many calories I was wasting by drinking so much milk when I should have been drinking water anyway! It's really going to help me keep track of where I'm slipping up and where I'm doing well. I already know what dinner is going to be, so that makes it easier, too, and tomorrow we're going to start on our official 90 days of P90x. I may die.

I found out that you can sign up for the beachbody website for free, and it tells you exactly which workouts to do on which days! And then I have the nutrition plan downloaded on the Mac, and we've got a few friends who have all of the DVDs, so we're going to burn those, too {shhh!}.

I'm really excited; there are a bunch of things I want to get in shape for, and they're steadily approaching!

So far, since Tyler and I broke up around a month ago, he and I had promised each other we were going to stay friends. We said we couldn't be without each other, couldn't not talk to one another, couldn't go on without being each others best friends.

And now he's blowing me off left and right and I'm so confused and I don't know what to do.

I miss him so much, and I want my best friend back.

Maybe I'm just being self-centered and all the other stuff going on in his life is why he's acting this way, having nothing to do with me. But I doubt it.

About a week ago, he asked me if we could still be "friends with benefits," which really hurt my feelings. I found it really insulting, actually, and now on top of that, apparently I'm not good enough to be his friend. Which makes me think that he isn't interested in me as a person at all, just as an object, which sickens me.

But, again, maybe I'm assuming too much.

I don't know, I'm just hurt.

Though most of these are the same, some of them vary drastically.

Time started: 11:33am {only 22 minutes difference from last time I took this}

Full Name: RLS
Single or Taken: Again, taken, though by someone else.
Sex: Female
Birthday: July 1st, '84
Siblings: Younger sister and brother
Eye color: Blue/green/grayish {they were gray the other day, too}
Shoe size: Depends on the shoe, but typically a women's 9.5 or 10
Height: Apparently 5'5 3/4'', though I still say 5'7''
Innie or Outie: Innie
What are you wearing right now: Work clothes {I'm at work, haha}
Where do you live: L'ville
Righty or lefty: Righty
Can you make a dollar in change right now: Nope, not even out of the tip jar

---Relationships---
Who are your closest friends: Man, this has changed so much since last year. I'd say Natalie, Katie, Tyler, and Nick is getting there, too.
Do you have a BF or GF?: Yep
Best place to go for a date: Somewhere out of the ordinary

---Favorites---
Where is your fav place to shop: Old Navy, Target, etc.
Favorite kind of pants: PJs or jeans
Color: It's cycled back to teal, though I'm a fan of crimson, too.
Boys Name: Hank, haha
Girls Name: Aurora, Kya
Animal: Cougars
Drink: Water/green tea, and diet Coke with cherry
Sport(s): Gymnastics, volleyball, and I'm starting to like hockey a lot.
Month(s): Ummm, July
Movie: I like lots of them, but Newsies will always have a special place for me
Finger: Ring finger
Breakfast: Kashi Kashi Kashi
Favorite cartoon character: Too many, I have a favorite in every show and movie that I like. Probably Maleficent, though.

---Have You Ever---
Given anyone a bath: Sort of
Smoked: Had enough secondhand to count as smoking
Bungee: Don't think I ever would
Made yourself throw-up: Only when I was sick
Gone skinny dipping: No thanks
Eaten a dog: No way!
Put your tongue on a frozen pole: Don't think so
Loved someone so much it made you cry?: I'm sure I had convinced myself that that was the reason
Broken a bone: Yeah, my right leg
Played truth or dare: Recently, actually!
Been in a physical fight: Not so much, but I punched a guy, once.
Been in a police car: Nope
Been on a plane: Many times
Come close to dying: Not that I know of
Been in a sauna: Kinda
Been in a hot tub: Yep
Swam in the ocean: This past summer, and it was FUN
Fallen asleep in school: Still do!
Ran away?: Not really
Broken someone's heart: Yep, unfortunately
Cried when someone died: Yes, though rarely
Cried in school: Once or twice
Saved AIM conversations: I used to all the time
Saved e-mails: I have some I keep for posterity, yeah
Fallen for one of your best friends?: Not so much
Made out with JUST a friend?: Nope
Used someone: NO
Been cheated on?: Kinda sorta

---What is...---
Your good luck charm: Don't really have one, unless my plastic cowboy counts, but he's only effective when I wear my costume at work
Best song you ever heard: Hmmm . . . Black Betty, the Spiderbait version
Stupidest thing you have ever done: Not be honest with myself and others
What's your room like: Much better than it was, and messy, at the moment
Last thing you said: Oh man, I dunno
What is beside you: Computers and printers
Last thing u ate: Breakfast of banana pancakes, juice, and coffee
What kind of shampoo do you use?: Suave/Treseme
Best thing that has happened to you this year: Getting back to myself

---Have You Had...---
Chicken pox: Yep
Sore Throat: Constantly; just got over one
Stitches: Yes, from my bunionectomies
Broken nose: Kind of afraid of getting one, so no
Believe in love at first sight: No, I don't think so
Have picnics: Oh yesh, I love them!
Like school: Sometimes
What schools have you gone to: Don't remember my preschool, Barksdale, Memorial Middle School, Five Forks Middle School, Brookwood High School, Reinhardt College, Perimeter College, Gwinnett Technical College.
If you were stuck on an island, what people would you want with you: Keefer, because he'd build us a robot and get us off the island {still true; or possibly Nick because he'd teach me how to live off the land}
Who was the last person that called you: The last person who called me?
Who was the last person you slow danced with: Nicolae {Nick}; he's trying to teach me
What makes you laugh the most?: Nick, Jean, Melanie, and the kids at work
What makes you smile?: Nick, my friends/kids at work, my family, animals, kids sometimes, etc.

---Who is the Last Person...---
You Kissed?: Nick
Who broke your heart: Actually, I think it was Anthony, still. It's been a while since my heart was broken, thankfully.
Who told you they loved you: Probably a family member
Is your loudest friend?: Nick, haha, or Lilly

---Do you/Are You:---
Do you like filling these out: I'm a sicko, so yes
Do you get along with your family: 9 times out of 10
Stolen anything over $50: No
Obsessive?: Not so much, but I can be
Compulsive?: Used to be somewhat
Anorexic?: No way, I hate puking and eating unhealthy stuff
Suicidal?: Nope

---Final questions....finally!---
[H a t e d] someone in your family: Strongly disliked
Gotten any awards: Yep
What car do you wish to have: A Scion XC and a '56 Chevy Bel-Air {still true}
Where do you want to get married?: I have no idea, honestly. I want it to be naturally, I think.
If you could change something about yourself, what would it be?: Self-esteem and will power
Good driver: I think so
Good Singer: Most of the time
Have a lava lamp: Somewhere
How many remote controls are in your house: OMG, like a billion
Are you double jointed: In my shoulders, I've been told
What do you dream about?: Haven't in quite a while, but it's usually Nick or work
Last time you showered: Before breakfast this morning
Last time you took a bath: When I had my surgeries and had to only take baths
The last movie you saw at the theatres: Eagle Eye

---Either Or...---
Scary or happy movies: Happy, pref
Chocolate or white chocolate: Chocolate, unless it's white chocolate macadamia nut
Root or Dr.Pepper: The good doctor, plz {lolz, and still true}
Mud or Jell-O wrestling: Neither?
Vanilla or chocolate: Both
Skiing or Boarding: Well, Nick says Skiing is easier, and that's what he's going to make me do, so we'll see.
Summer or winter: Summer
Silver or Gold: Silver
Diamond or pearl: Diamond
Sunset or Sunrise: Sunrise
Sprite or 7up: Sprite
Orange juice or apple juice: OJ
Cats or dogs: Dogs
Coffee or tea: Tea, but I like both
Phone or in person: In person
Are you Oldest, middle, youngest or only child: Eldest

end time: 11:54am

Upon returning from Florida, I find myself utterly filled to the brim with mixed feelings. They span almost every subject, and I feel as if I've done a 180 turn-around in some ways, not all of them necessarily good. And because I express myself best through poetry and stream of consciousness, here goes:

I ruin everything,
Thanks for pointing it out
Once again
Like I need a reminder
Of how I’ve interrupted
Everything good in this world
In your life
And how things would have been better
Had we not ever met.
I shouldn’t let myself get down
Over something stupid that you said, but
I allow myself to care
Too much
Too much
Too much
About what you think
What you all think.
You make me sick
Smiles and hugs and
Bile rising when I see you
Never let on
Don’t tell anyone
Not even yourself
That you’re this sick and twisted
On the inside
Don’t admit
The feelings I have
That you have
That we all have
For each other
Keep things hidden
Lies
Secrets
And omissions
So we’ll lie to ourselves
Pretend to be friends
All the meantime
Boiling
And stewing
In our disgust

Anthony's birthday was almost a week ago. And I didn't even notice.

Although I'm extremely happy that I managed to miss the pain that I was sure I would experience on said day, it kind of makes me sad to think about it. I really hope he was surrounded by friends and people who love him on his birthday. I pray he wasn't sad or alone. That's the last thing I'd want for him.

I really want to send him a card or something...and I know that would be a terrible idea.

I thought April would be a terrible month for me, what with his birthday on the 8th and our would-be 3-year anniversary on the 15th...but honestly, I forgot about all of that.

I did, however, remember Tyler and my 7-month on the 10th. And that should say something. <3

Soooo...yeah.

I've been working at Curves for a month, now. And since starting there, I've been working out three times a week {every time I work, I work out}. And today I was weighed and measured.

And I've gained.

True, it's the first day of my period and I'm 99.9% positive that the measurements we took today are skewed because of that, but I'm still frustrated. I think I might have Ms. Tracy {the woman who originally measured me} measure me in a week or so, when I'm done with my cycle. But then again, maybe I shouldn't. I don't know...

I gained like 5lbs since yesterday or the day before, so I'm not worried about that. But the measurements were all .5 or 1 inches higher than a month ago. Dunno what I'm doing wrong. I'm thinking I may not be eating enough, what with my crazy schedule. I dunno.

Any thoughts?

Tyler and I have "adopted" a few people as our children. One of them is a 16 year old from work named Keefer. He has previously appeared in this journal as an unnamed crush. Fast forward a few months, we're now BFF. Seriously, I love this kid. I call him son, he calls me mom, it's great.

He is currently in the throes of one-sided passion with this girl at work, Becca. Ty and I have adopted her as our daughter-in-law, because we're all convinced - Becca and Keefer included - that they will get married one day. He's liked her for quite a while, and she likes him back, but she's worried she'll end up hurting him. Which, honestly, she might. She has bad luck with boys. A character flaw of her own, I'm sure, but still.

Anyways: just today, Keefer made me the one person on his MySpace preferred list. He's notorious for posting blogs that no one can see, and I've always wanted to know what they say. Well, he decided to let me know. So I went and back read some, and it broke my heart. He's completely head-over-heels in love with Becca, and she doesn't know how good she has it in this boy. He would be perfect for her, but they're both 17, angsty as hell, and also slightly dumb when it comes to each other.

The things he says about her in his blogs made my heart bleed for him. And after I was done feeling sorry for him/sorry WITH him, I got jealous. Not of Becca, but just for the plain fact that the way he feels about Becca is the exact way I want someone to feel about me.

No one has yet, and I wish to God I'd hurry up and find them. It kills me being the only passionately romantic one in the relationships...Tyler says that he just doesn't say things out loud, only thinks them. But how the HELL am I supposed to know that? Am I to believe him? How do I know what he means? Certainly not the same caliber of things I think about him, I'm sure. Ugh. Being a hopeless romantic sucks sometimes.

I've brought the subject up a few times to him...and still, almost 7 months into the relationship and I STILL worry that I like him more than he likes me. Cocky of me to think so, I'm sure, but that's how I feel most of the time. I don't know why...I guess because every time I say something remotely romantic, he'll remain silent. And then I get afraid. Terribly, gut-wrenchingly afraid. OY. I'm just being ridiculous.

Time to shower and try to get unsick. Stupid pollen.

God knows I can safely write anything I want to in here again; I'm fairly positive he doesn't read this anymore. Or at all, except that one time I made him.

Oh well.

So, lots going on, I suppose, but it's too freakin' early in the morning, so I'll just talk about what I'm focused on.

Tyler and Susan are friends again. Just typing their names together makes me sick, but there it is.

She posted some bulletins on MySpace explaining how hurt she was that they weren't friends, etc, and it made him finally realize that OMG, my actions have consequences. So, we all three hung out and they're semi-back to normal.

Is that good? Yes. Does it make me happy? ...I don't know.

For all the nagging I did about how they should be friends again, I'm back in the same place I was before their big feud. I get sort of depressed when I think about the two of them, and it upsets me that I get depressed about it. I shouldn't be, seriously. I've never dated or even liked a guy who had a female best friend, so all of this is completely new to me.

I'm feeling rather at a loss on what to do and feel and tell myself to make it all better. Like my self-esteem isn't crippled enough as it is; it doesn't need any help in bringing itself down, trust me.

UGH. I know it's completely ridiculous to think that he's going to leave me for any reason, much less for her, but sometimes I'll have these sudden moments of clinginess where it'll be the only thing I can think. Like last night: I had this tiny panic attack that he was just going to discard me after he was done with me. It has no bearing whatsoever in reality, but I held onto him like a girl drowning.

I had a conversation with my boss the other day about all of this mess. Well, not all of this specifically, but about how my first reaction to a problem is to run away and not have to worry about it. I've always been that way, unfortunately. And in relationships I'm the same way. There is no way that I would want to break up with him ever. But sometimes I convince myself that his leaving and hurting me beyond all repair is inevitable and that I'll save myself a lot of pain if I just run away now. It's stupid, but it comes from years of not being loved and a build-up of the lowest self-esteem possible. Sometimes I wonder if I should go to therapy. Just so I would have someone to talk to, especially someone who would be able to analyze me since I seem to be failing at doing it myself.

I don't even know what I'm thinking right now...I need to go get ready for work.

I don't ask much of you
Yet you seem unable to give
Anything
When I need it most.
You've changed
Again
Reverted to the kind
You used to be
And I'm scared.
Almost comfortable in my fear;
I thrive off of discomfort
And sorrow,
Used to it as I am.
You're back and I hate it
Want things to always
Be different than they are
Never be happy
Never let myself
Want to be
Can't.
Unsure of myself and
Feelings and
Thoughts.
Lack of confidence got me
Down again
Beating me over the head with
Not good enough
Nevers
Always
And other negative reassurances
That have lived silently in the back of my mind
Feeding off the things you
Do and don't
Would and wouldn't
Hope and dream

I don't want to be Anthony's friend, I know it wouldn't work anyway, but...

I want to go to his graduation. Is that odd?

Not that I actually would, though. Way too many issues with that to even think about considering the option of maybe going.

But, is it weird that I want to go?

I'm so angry right now, I could puke.

There is this girl. Her name is Susan.

She used to be the best friend of my boyfriend, Tyler.

Early last year, Tyler realized/decided/whatever, that he liked Susan as more than as just a friend. A little while after he realized/decided/whatevered this, he told her. She responded that she'd have to think about it. A few days later, she told him that she didn't like him that way and that they would not, as he had hoped, be together.

Fast forward a little bit to July/August.

Tyler gets a job at MT. He still likes Susan, they still hang out, they're still BFFFFF.

Fast forward again to August/September. Tyler and I meet. We hit it off INSTANTLY. We go out. We become BF/GF. All this while, early on, Tyler and Susan are still friends.

Eventually, Susan meets me {and everyone else}. I hate her instantly. I mean, I hated her before, just because I was jealous, etc, but I really didn't like her right off. I tried my best, but still couldn't shake it.

October/November proved to be a trying time for the three of us. Tyler attempted to balance his friendship with her and his new girlfriend, me. Unfortunately for Susan, the girlfriend won out. The more time he spent with me, the angrier and crazier Susan became. She would leave screaming messages on his voicemail, because he had stopped answering her calls. She began to go across town to sit outside of places we might visit at night, just so she could hang out with him.

Finally, everything came to a head, and we all three kind of exploded.

Since then, things have calmed down. For a while, she still got upset at him when he wouldn't hang out with her. I began to harp on him about not hanging out with her, too. I shouldn't have, but I know how it feels to be in her position and I know that deep in my heart, I'm the cause of their friendship deteriorating.

Now they don't talk, and I hang out with her more than he does, which isn't saying much at all. But then she says things like this in her myspace surveys:
"43. Does someone have a crush on you? you tell me ;)...haha I don't think so anymore, he's pretty tied to his girlfriend now :)"

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

And she's said things before that have really gotten to me, like in this message she wrote to me about their relationship one night when I was upset about something:
"...{we were friends and} he came to telling me he liked me...I adore tay as a friend and yes I was afraid I'd ruin a WONDERFUL friendship so I turned it away, knowing that he was prolly the best guy to cross my path and that I could be truely happy with him, that he would be good for me on so many levels. I just, scared. So I said no to it."

Funny, considering that before, she had said that she never liked him like that. But now, suddenly, they could have been truly happy together and the only reason they're not together right now is because she was just scared?!

And then, from the same message:
"he loves the person you are, and he'll most likely stick with you"

Gee, thanks for the vote of confidence there, Susan.

And then there are the stupid little comments from her blogs on myspace. After Tyler told her he liked her and that they should be together, because that's what best friends do, she would say things like:
"Also, my feelings....or non-feelings as they were are still hurting a good friend"

Yeah. Because you not liking him back REALLY rocked his world, Susan. REALLY. His entire happiness does hinge on you, I SWEAR.

"I hate that I can't make everyone happy....plus it hurts to hurt those you love and care about. I mean it's not like Im doing it on purpose or that anyone has any control over it...things just happen and that's life, I know that....but still it sucks when you don't feel or act or do certain things to make those around you happy....why? Because you'd be living a lie and when that happens only more sadness occurs in the end and then you're just a crappy friend."

It disgusts me that she thinks that being with her would have made him happy. It also disgusts me that she acts like he was in love with her. Speaking of, though, she makes a comment similar to that late on.

"Another thing....I'm so freaking sick and tired of being alone....but why complain when this perfectly wonderful guy that I'm close to wants to be with me...? Hell I don't know myself...okay maybe I do....he might be Mr. Wonderful but not perfect...I know Im picky"

Bitch. And she continues:
"but Im not about to screw up another friendship...I'm pretty sure I would. Not to mention the fact that Im not a teacher....I tried that once. {She's talking about teaching someone how to kiss, etc. You know, I guess all that making out on the first date really gives someone the skills it takes to teach that sort of thing.} Oh and most importantly....its not really the romance Im looking for right now....I might be a fool but I was doing some pretty big mulling over in my head tonight and realized that no matter what I try to say to myself to convince myself that it would be perfect something very strong screams NO! and I gotta trust my gut, she's pretty right about things....Im not about to take that step into a relationship for the wrong reasons....maybe it would make him incredibly happy but I just KNOW I wouldn't be....and well that just does not work....Im not about to play actress in the real world."

Again with the "oh, well, he loves me so much, blah blah".

So, then, later in life, after I came into the picture, she rants about losing Tyler as a friend, and regretting not being with him:
"How do you fix something that you feel you have no way of fixing? How do you get something back you gave up and let go...and thought you'd have forever....but then it slipped away? I mean how do you make things work again...?

Can you....?

I wish I knew what to do...or I wish...I wish i wasn't me....if I was someone else I could've handled things differently or maybe I really would have loved him back when he told me how he felt. Or maybe I wouldn't have said or done so many little things to chase him away."

Wow. Because he totally loved you. Yeah, totally. And he totally liked you for more than just a few months, uh huh. Sure did.

It's six in the morning, though, so I guess I'll put off being more upset about this until later.  I'm probably overreacting anyway, and I've upset Tyler something terrible.